So, I am not sure how my 30 pound diet turned into my 100 pound diet, but here we are. It's January 14th, and I am 297 pounds.
I have been 190 pounds my entire life, until toward the end of highschool, when I gained weight, and then had a kid, and then gained more weight, had another kid, gained more weight, got divorced, and gained more weight. And here I am. I've lost some significant amounts of weight in the past, which gives me hope, but alas, I am another statistic; I am heavier than when I started.
DIETS DON'T WORK
So what is my plan for 2019?
ANOTHER DIET!
Today is a significant day for me. I was referred to the bariatric clinic here where I live. There is a surgical clinic for people who want to have bariatric surgery, and there is a medical clinic for people who want to try one last diet accompanied by medications, group support, and a REALLY fun-sounding 12 week liquid diet.
I signed up.
I don't start for a while, so I guess this initial blog post is to talk about how I feel about the idea of hopefully losing 100 pounds this year. I already got myself out of the 300s as I was over 310 pounds prior to my appendix almost bursting. Surgery and opioids for a week helped! And I have maintained my loss for two weeks, so that's a small miracle.
So let's dig into my head and think about how I feel about this.
First off, I am scared. Scared of being skinny? No. (I actually had to think about that). What am I afraid of? I am afraid of deprivation. I am afraid to feel longing for something I can't have. I am also afraid of failure. I am not afraid of four liquid shakes per day and no food. I am however petrified of accidentally stuffing a chocolate cake down my throat, or eating until I explode. That is what I am afraid of.. I am afraid of shame. I am afraid of failing, again. (Because I am really good at failing).
How else do I feel? I feel a bit skeptical. I mean, yes, the graphs showing peoples success was great. 10% of my body weight is 30 pounds. To be 267 pounds instead of 297 pounds would be fantastic. And to know that I have a 50/50 chance of maintaining that weight loss for a year is also better than the dismal results of regular diets. Okay, that helps me a little bit. But it's still 50/50. Who is to say that I will be in the successful half of the group? What do I have that the other 50% don't have?
Let's explore what I have...
I have motivation. I am sure everybody has motivation as they were all referred to the clinic by their doctors and want to continue with this program just like me.
Okay, what else do I have?
I have knowledge. I have counted food and its macros and calories religiously at times over most of my life. My first diet was a low carb diet back when I was 12 years old. I lost 25 pounds on the diet in a few months. I did the cabbage soup diet around the same age. Repeatedly I tried the cabbage soup diet over the years. Then things got out of hand come highschool. Highschool was my starve and binge years. I'm sure that did a number on my metabolism. Then I went on the starve myself and drink a lot of alcohol diet and was very successful at losing weight, but not so successful at life, or at loving myself. Then came Weight Watchers, and the Zone Diet, and the South Beach diet, and just plain old calorie counting, and the keto diet.... I have done a number on my poor body. No wonder it's fat and angry at me. I am sorry, body. I really am sorry that I do not know how to properly fuel you.
I digress.
I also have experience losing large amounts of weight on my own. In 1996 after my dad died I ballooned up to 260 pounds from 220 pounds in a matter of a few months. I caught a glimpse of my legs from behind one day, and it scared me. I looked obese. I ate far less, and exercised far more. I lost a lot of weight. I actually got down to 168 pounds. I looked REALLY good. I was miserable because I always felt like I was starving.
In 2009 I was a balloon at 280 pounds. I started dieting and working out heavily at the end of May, and by December I was 200 pounds.
In 2016 I started counting calories, and for the first time ever I wasn't continually starving. I was exercising moderately but not too much, and I was losing about 2 pounds a week.. Some weeks gaining, and some weeks losing. I used the app Lose It! and logged my food and drinks religiously. I would fall off for a few days at times, but my brother was an integral part of getting me back on the wagon. I went from 304 pounds down to 234 pounds in 8 months. Then summer, and wine, and food happened. And I just couldn't stop drinking wine, and slushy drinks. My treadmill broke, I stopped running outside, and slowly but surely the pounds crept back on, until I went back up to where I am now. Or rather, where I was prior to my appendix almost bursting.
Okay - I have knowledge and I have previous success - what else do I have?
Fear.
I don't know if fear based psychology works, but hey, I'm going to give it a shot. I do NOT want bariatric surgery. I really don't. There are many complications, many foods I will never be able to eat again, and let's face it,, food is a friend to me. I will miss food, and seriously a lot of joy if I could not eat food the way I used to. But, that's my last ditch effort. If this medical clinic does NOT work for me, I will refer myself for surgery whether i want to or not. Why? Because if i cannot fix this on my own, then the ONLY thing that will fix this is surgery. And at that point, once I have exhausted myself, that's all that is left. The complications have to be better than being over 300 pounds. So that's what I have.
I have a lot to think about, and will add more thoughts in the near future.
I want to chronicle my efforts to lose 100 pounds this year - to help myself stay on track, to help talk about how I feel, and maybe somebody online will find this blog and want to follow along or leave comments. I WILL answer comments.
Well, here I go....
